The other day I was lying on the floor, tossing my pen in the air and catching it, contemplating how glad I was that I don't have to work, when I was broadsided by a realization of stunning impact.

We live in a brutally oppressive geriocracy.

You may wonder what exactly a geriocracy is, seeing as I made up the word, so let me explain. A geriocracy is a society where all the power is held by old people. Consider the facts:

Anyone with a job has to pay Social Security taxes for his entire working life. This money supposedly goes to support old people who aren't even old yet. I don't know about you, but I always planned to become a millionaire and retire by 40. But no one asked me if I would like to opt out of the system.

There are only two requirements for being eligible to vote: you must actually live in our country (dur) and you have to be old enough.

You're supposed to be nice to old people and humor them, despite the fact that they both stubborn and irrational, forcing you to keep 70-year-old doilies, bits of mud-caked string, and African hunting trophies. At least, my grandmother did. If they happen to come to your restaurant, they complain about the food and leave a nickel for a tip. Why doesn't someone just lure them into a tent with promises of bingo and happy hour, and then set the tent on fire?

Old people drive slowly, and we have to put up with it.

Anyone over the age of 17 and 364 days (365 on a leap year) has an enormous repertoire of bullshit geriocractic propaganda phrases that he unleashes upon younger citizens with manic glee and pompous certainty.

How many times have you heard someone say something "Teenagers think they're right about everything"? No shit? As opposed to adults, who wander through life in a stupefied haze, utterly convinced that they're WRONG about everything and justifying themselves with trite witticisms like "ignorance is bliss”? If a hypothetical person had any reason to believe he was wrong about something, he would immediately change his position and consider himself right. Teenagers aren't any more closed-minded than the population as a whole.

Who the hell doesn't think they're right about everything? There are people who claim to be "open to different points of view," but nine times in 10 this really means that they have the mental capacity of a crushed snail, and as such have no means of evaluating different positions as being better or worse than their own. So they go through life nodding sagely at genius and stupidity alike, while stubbornly believing whatever they always thought the whole time.

"Open-minded" people make me sick.

Another bullshit phrase that adults love to use is, "You think you're invincible, don't you? You think it won't happen to you?" To this I usually reply, "45,000 people die every year in car accidents. In fact, some would say that car accidents are the leading cause of death among people ages 6 to 27. And yet I see you still drive a car. You just don't think it will happen to you, eh?"

For some reason this argument tends to have little effect. What I object to is the implication that teenagers have inferior intelligence compared to adults. Instead of saying something realistic, like "Teenagers accept a greater degree of risk than adults," they have to come out and try to shit all over you. Some might have the (incorrect) view that teenagers take risks for "stupid things" like "excitement," also known as enjoying life. But how many adults smoke cigarettes? Stupid things my ass, what exactly is the practical benefit of smoking?

When adults ask you whether you think you're invincible, what they're really saying is, "So, you have a realistic perception of this thing called probability? Fag."